Things my Mom Did While I Was Recovering from Surgery

There's a reason that Weekend at Bernie's continues to be a hallmark of American cinema nearly 25 years after its release. Manipulating unconscious bodies for your own amusement is fun and hilarious – just ask any high school football star. Over the last quarter century, our country’s acceptance of racism and homophobia has decreased dramatically. But our tolerance for nonconsensual wackiness with the dead or unconscious? It’s still off the charts.

I recently was a part of this enduring phenomenon after undergoing a surgical procedure. My Mom came to stay with me for a few days to help me recover. I was passed out. She was bored. I really should’ve seen this coming. Here are some ways my Mom amused herself during my recovery. Feel free to apply them to your own incapacitated friends and loved ones:

• Referred to my surgeon as "MY FUTURE SON-IN-LAW" several times out of the open door of my recovery room.  
• Cut my bangs
• Drew a penis on my forehead in the space formerly occupied by my bangs
• Felt burning pangs of Catholic guilt; removed aforementioned penis
• Skyped my siblings while sitting on my unconscious body while saying, "Isn't this funny? Isn't this great? Look what I'm doing here!" 
• Tasted my prescriptions to make sure they were safe
• Made a baby quilt for any potential surgeon-spawned grandchildren
• Gave me botox
• Tested my paternity with a kit she bought at Walgreen's - just in case
• Painted a mural of a happy jungle scene on my bedroom wall
• Charged $2, 587.52 on my credit card at Chico's and Wines of the World
• Swapped out all the size tags on my pants with new ones that say "Size 00"
•  Exchanged all my hard currency for nickels
• Propped me up against my building with a cup, an American flag, and a sign reading, "I am homeless and a veteran. Please help." Helped herself to $10.25, 75 percent of the profits.
• Wrapped up my own household objects to present as get-well gifts

Thanks, Mom, for being both my caretaker and my inspiration for keeping boredom at bay - as well as getting rid of my nasty frown lines. If Bernie were here, I would use the string attached to his hand to give you a high five.