Fancy Pants Reviews: Sassy Summer Sandals

The Shoe: Bass Rachel Antonoff Olga Platform Sandal in Poppy Red/Teal 

The Short of It: Sassy! 

The Long of it: With comfort, stability and style, this is the perfect summer sandal. The clear strap is ideal for showing off the painstaking one-coat pedicure your boyfriend insisted on giving you. Comfortable enough for light jogging in cases of emergency, like when you're late for that play because you mistakenly parked half a mile from the theater, or you want to do a hilarious bit in which you make people think there's a strange man chasing you (but really it's just your boyfriend trying to keep up with you as you sprint wildly toward the theater screaming "He's after me!"). The ankle strap conveniently keeps the shoe from flying off your foot while executing a celebratory high kick after nailing that hilarious bit. It's basically an all-around awesome pair of shoes.

Fancy Pants Reviews: Smudge

Smudge is a 90-minute one-act play about a man and a lady who have a baby. A monster baby! But not like a mean, scary monster. A silent, mostly lifeless, one-eyed little monster named Cassie. Which would be pretty neat, if you weren't really into babies. Or if you've ever fantasized about your My Pet Monster coming to life.  

But, unfortunately for this couple, they were really hoping for a regular baby. The dad takes it surprisingly well, but the mom. Oh man. She does NOT like her little monster baby. She's actually a big jerk to it, which is darkly amusing, horrifying, and (uncomfortably) understandable at the same time. 

There aren't a lot of warm fuzzy feelings going on in this play, but it is fascinating - and, as far as I can tell, well acted. If I didn't connect to the material very strongly, it's probably because I'm not a parent, I've never been or tried to be pregnant, and I think my biological clock might have more of a tic than a tick. I left the theater with a lot of questions, only some of which were philosophical/existential, but I was satisfied with my experience. The writing was neither predictable nor overly sentimental, and I never felt bored or judgey. To me, that's a win. 

See it: If you like to think and see value in unsettling questions about life and human nature
See something else: If you're pregnant and prone to irrational fears and hysterics

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More about Smudge

Written by: Rachel Axler, who is also a writer for Parks and Rec, New Girl and The Daily Show (which makes her heroically fancy)
Produced by: Ka-Tet Theater Company (which I delightedly assume is a reference to the ka-tet of Stephen King's Dark Tower series)
Performed by: Stevie Chaddock Lambert and Scott Allen Luke (Ka-Tet company members) with Andrew Marchetti
Go see it: Goldstar has half-price tickets

To the Naked Old Lady at the End of the Bench

Sometimes in life, you spend the night at your boyfriend's, and he forgets to tell you that his hot water heater isn't working, and you decide to shower at the gym by your office because it's more convenient that driving home, and you decide you might as well work out while you're at it. Because you're a goddamn go-getter.

But you're cranky. Because it's 7am and you're sweating. A LOT. And all you want to do is get through this workout and take a nice hot shower in peace.

So when you get back to the locker room, soaked in sweat and tears, and an elderly Asian woman decides she needs to use the locker RIGHT next to yours, you get a little furious. Because you're cranky, sweating, and cornered.

But you're a big kid, so you grab your shower stuff and tell yourself, by the time I'm done showering, she'll be gone and I'll have a luxurious 4 square feet of locker room to myself.

But then you come back from the shower, and SHE'S STILL THERE! But it gets worse, because now she's NAKED. Buck ass naked and sitting on the bench directly in front of your locker. Because she's old and she doesn't have to adhere to traditional rules of locker room decorum.

And you can't say anything, even though you're exasperated. Because she's a Naked Old Lady, and she's earned the right to do whatever the fuck she wants, in whatever state of nakedness she sees fit. So you surrender, because you're a good goddamn person, and you very maturely remove all your stuff and relocate to another bench.

As you nimbly maneuver around the Naked Old Lady, you comfort yourself with this thought: "Just wait 'til I'M old. I'm gonna go EVERYWHERE naked! I'll inconvenience the FUCK out of society!"

Then you suddenly realize how awesome that's going to be, and you start getting really pumped up about getting old, like "Oh MAN! I can't freaking WAIT to be old!" And then you're REALLY excited, like THIS excited:

Source: Tumblr

And now you're laughing because fainting goats are so goddamn hilarious and adorable. And you realize, you learned a valuable lesson today: respect the elderly, for one day you too will be a Naked Old Lady. And it will be good. 

Thanks, Naked Old Lady! 

On the Road with Fancy Pants: Bumper Sticker Backlash!

An old man was driving in front of me this morning. He had a bumper sticker that read in big letters:

"Get US Out"

I figured the line underneath it would say something about Afghanistan, or Iraq, or even Vietnam (because he was so old, oh snap!). But as I drove closer, I realized this gentleman had a much more righteous cause than the wellbeing of our troops. In smaller text was written:

"of the United Nations"

I quickly changed lanes, so I could catch up with this freedom fighter and issue him a riotous fist pump of approval. Because international cooperation is for pansies.


Amiright, North Korea?

source: http://www.guardian.co.uk

Fancy Pants Telephone Technology

People often assume that my life is chock full of fanciness, simply by virtue of being a Fancy Pants lady. However, though my delicate buttocks may be gently cradled by trousers handcrafted in Claude Monet's gardens of Giverny and stitched with threads spun from the hair of Marie-Antoinette's finest wig, my phone is not nearly so glamorous.

For instance, when feeling particularly ill-tempered, it refuses to search for web pages with the lazy excuse that the page "might be temporarily down or it may have moved permanently to a new address." Really, phone? Google.com left for the greener pastures of Schmoogle.com? Wikipedia is done due to a revival of door-to-door encyclopedia sales? Society's appetite for silly cat photography and pictures of other people's babies has been sated? Says my phone, "Eh. Could be."

Granted, my phone's an older model, and while true fanciness has no age limit, this may explain why it's so crochety. It's also foreign, which is probably why it wants so desperately to suck the benefits of Lady Liberty's 3G teat while contributing absolutely nothing to society.

Sometimes I long for the fancier days of technology - swan-necked, gilded French telephones, switchboard operators who eavesdrop and blackmail their way to upward mobility, and busy signals that clearly announce to the caller that one is speaking to someone more socially significant. But most times I just want the Groupon for my limited edition Princess Diana commemorative replica rhinestone tiara to download in fewer than 20 minutes.
 

How I Overcame Anxiety and Revealed My True Self

I started running a few months ago. My main motivation? Anxiety.

You see, I'm very high strung. Add to that a job that requires me to sit still and be quiet for hours on end, and you have the perfect recipe for mental health disaster. I was a mess, you guys. Just look at me:

BEFORE

I was filled with nervous energy that had no way to escape, except through occasional violent outbursts of misdirected rage, which resulted in many a spoiled relationship with various pieces of office equipment.  I once went weeks without speaking to my computer mouse. It was untenable, as you can imagine. Something had to be done.

I needed a way to expend a large amount of energy in a short amount of time, and more importantly, I needed a forum in which I could fully express my rage and insanity without fear of reprimand from HR.  That's when it struck me: running is basically just angry foot stomping at an accelerated rate.

So I gave it a try, and soon I was stomping my way to calmer nerves, smoother hair, and a more satisfying relationship with the printer. A few short months later, I feel like a new person. No longer the neurotic, emotionally volatile, potentially dangerous malcontent I once was, I feel as though the real me has finally been revealed.

And as it turns out*, the real me is a strong, beautiful, confident black woman:

AFTER

Who knew?!

*in my head (may not reflect reality)

Fun with Our Good Friend AutoCorrect (AC)

Lizzy and I have a friend. His name is AC, and he makes us laugh, while introducing delightful new jargon into our vocabulary.

How do you think Lizzy got her nickname Lil Yeah? She tried to type "hell yeah," that's how.

So when we ask you "what's hearkening?" we're not asking you for a definition. We just want to know what's happening, AC style.

Once I tried to warn Lizzy against engaging in illegal behavior by comparing it to libel...but I think you'll agree that AC put it much more succinctly in his version: "That, much like my balls, is illegal."


And do I need to remind you of the time AC told our friend Alex that Lizzy had been eating leftover dick?

Oh, how AC's surprise appearances makes us giggle! Which often sounds less like "hahahaha" and more like: Handbags, Hashtag, Gasbags, or Haggadah!

Now, dear reader, let's play a game to see how AC savvy you are! See if you can find and translate the AC jargon in this recent conversation:

Lizzy: I'm meditating on how to handle [a conflict with a male acquaintance].
Missy: Oooooh! You should do the Pink Bible Technique!
Lizzy: Golly gee, Missy, what is the Pink Bible Technique?*
Missy: It's easy! Just picture the best possible outcome of your problem - envision you and [the male acquaintance] resolving your differences and feeling so happy and relieved - and then surround your vision in a beautiful pink bible. Finally, let the bible go and watch it float off into the universe, where it can gather the energy it needs to make your vision come true.
Lizzy: Bibles can float?

*Not Lizzy's actual response (she speaks AC and was able to translate immediately, resulting in Gasbags!), but I am a poet so I used my poetic license.

Try the Pink Bible Technique today!