Mo' Pounds, Mo' Problems

Somehow I got myself subscribed to UsWeekly, and usually I just toss it straight into the plastic crate that houses my building's junk mail. But today, as I was about to trash Issue 946, the headline suddenly caught my interest, and I just had to blog about it, y'all!

"Don't call me fat!" Imagine Kim saying this in the voice of a petulant 5 year old, perhaps preceded by a nasally "myeh!" for dramatic effect. Delightful, isn't it?

Now, childish mockery aside, I can sympathize with the plight of celebrity. I couldn't bear to have my every move scrutinized by an unforgiving media, processed beyond recognition (to make it more palatable, of course), and then fed to the inconspicuous masses, hungry for distraction from their tragically ordinary, human existence. That's why I'm not a celebrity. Also because I lack the necessary talent and/or marketable dysfunction.

I don't mean to imply that celebrities deserve to be cut down ruthlessly by anonymous loud-mouthed critics. I'm saying it comes with the territory, much like soul-crushing monotony is the price a copywriter (for instance) pays for a livable salary and health insurance. If you want the good, you have to be tough enough to take the bad. Or delusional enough to pretend said challenges don't exist (no, really, I love my cubicle, the starkness and isolation keep me from getting over-stimulated).

I mean, if anyone ever called me a "global laughingstock" I'd be at least a little flattered...I figure, it's kind of awesome to be a global anything. And who says "laughingstock" anyway? (British sensationalists and authors of generic young adult fiction, maybe). And isn't starring in a Tyler Perry movie way more embarrassing than anything Donald Trump has to say regarding physical beauty?

Buck up, Kardashian! Face your critics with grace and dignity. Or better yet, just seclude yourself in your big beautiful expensive home, have your baby and name it something horribly self-indulgent, enjoy your big beautiful expensive life and stop giving America cause to discuss you at all. We have more important things to discuss, like marriage equality, or the degenerative effect of social media on language and social skills, or who the hell keeps eating Susie's Aldi-brand Greek yogurt out of the office mini fridge.

P.S. I feel it my duty to inform you that, while the cover of UsWeekly Issue 946 promises to tell you

, you will find nothing even remotely satisfying (read: scandalous, immoral, shocking, or bordering-on-criminal) about Kim and Kanye's relationship. Evidently, a man thinking his wife is gorgeous and just wanting "her to be happy in her own skin" can be reasonably interpreted as a strictly-enforced dress code. What a tease!